me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
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When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
This is a whole mood;
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Finally a use for spoilers…