Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
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I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Schrödinger’s cookie
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.