Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
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*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.