I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
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“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.