One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
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Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
me when i see my girls butt
Best spoiler warning ever
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.