As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
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How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Feels like the fourth month in January
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”