[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
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Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
i was baptized in a car wash
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.