… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
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Spring cleaning checklist…
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Oh we’ve met.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.