I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
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Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!