My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
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I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair