[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
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Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
inside you are two wolves
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I’m not stressed
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes