I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
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As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
The Punning Dead.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think