Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
You Might Also Like
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Tier 3 meme
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no