I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
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My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Plant care tips
just gave your address to some spiders
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue