My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
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Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
How dude HOW?!
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Snapes on a plane.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
classic mixup
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!