Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
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Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
men are simple creatures
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
I’m a self-made hundredaire