I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
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This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Sunday
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
buying dead houseplants to save time
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical