People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
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I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.