listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
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“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I’m going to need a moment here.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.