hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
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*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.