“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
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People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
this has done me in for some reason
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
doing some research
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.