A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
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WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Oh hi lol
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.