Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
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Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..