Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
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[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves