Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
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Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
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DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
my name if I was in the mob
Hitlers gonna hitl
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
This kid is going places
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*