Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
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RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭