ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
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Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.