me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
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If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
💻🤡
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.