The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
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I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Hard not to take this personally
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.