I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
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Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
mood
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
saving face 👀
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence