“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
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8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.