For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
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if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
some things should go without saying
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.