Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
You Might Also Like
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Do not steal food from the science building!
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
starting a garage orchestra
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.