The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
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Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.