Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
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I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Message from the dog groomers
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?