“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
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Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
A little too much information.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Strange
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Them: Just act casual
Me:
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no