I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
You Might Also Like
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Hot Hot Hot
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.