Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
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The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.