If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
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Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.