JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
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*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
*orders delivery*
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.