Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
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*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.