her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
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I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Generation gap…
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.