🤔😂😂
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When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Sounds like a bargain
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.