First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
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I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*