Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
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Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
got so much cardio in today
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do