Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
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“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.