Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
You Might Also Like
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Buck naked
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.