Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
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BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Shoo shoo! 😂
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.