Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
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My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away