Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
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23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.